dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
