I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He better not be in your backpack
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
