Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
barbara walters just said penis...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
