My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
