I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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