38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
