Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
