i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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