no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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