1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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