Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
