No, drunk sperm still make babies.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
