I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
it's like iHOP with fire
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
