i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
