There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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