I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
