Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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