I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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