Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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