Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I currently don't understand fingers.
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