Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
