Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
