YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
