apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
