By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
