Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
