New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
