burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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