1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
