I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Randomize
