I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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