So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Holy sore nipples Batman
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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