I think I died a long time ago.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
