also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
