if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
