the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
