textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
