I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
