mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
