The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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