How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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