The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
