Banned from zoo.
Again?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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