Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
