Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
