Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
