i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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