3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
