she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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