batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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