the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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