wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
