First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
