actually, I'm a sock model
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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