you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I did not marry a roomba.
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