There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
