i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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