I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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